I'm so frustrated!

10 weeks. I was told 10 weeks of acupuncture would do the trick. Well 10 weeks later, I'm still not pregnant. Why is it that everyone knows somebody that has done something that got them pregnant? Why is it that I listen to any of these people? Am I really that desperate? Ben and I want a baby so bad but to what expense? Our savings is gone, emotionally we are drained, physically burning the candle at both ends, our faith- still holding out, for Ben at least. I have tried so hard to handle myself with grace and not be a hot mess all the time and hopefully I have have but this is me being a hot mess, OK!? I don't know how much more I can take. I don't want anymore fertility treatments, tried that 5 times and $5000+ later, still not pregnant. Tried not thinking about it and taking break, free but not pregnant. tried going back to school and teaching aerobics to "get my mind focused on other things" several thousand dollars in tuition, stressed out, in good shape, but still not pregnant (this I don't regret). Now acupuncture and chiropractic care, 3 months of back cracks, needles, and cups and to my knowledge still not pregnant. I need to refocus again. I need to relax (easier said than done). I plan on continuing school and teaching group fitness because those are actually helping me. But what's in store for us in the future? Only God knows. I really wish he would let me in on a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. My mom always says, " you won't know on this side of heaven why you are going through this right now but it will be worth it". Mom's are almost always right but like I told her " it's hard to see the forest for the trees". It's hard to see all the blessings we do have because we don't have the one we pray for everyday. In the meantime, I have Izzy, who, by the way, is the most rotten, spoiled brat ever. So here's to pressing on even when giving up sounds like the best mental health option. After years of counseling, I've learned how to counsel myself out of a nervous breakdown so for now, I'm still sane. Till next time...

Bittersweet

I just found out that a friend of mine is pregnant. This is someone whom I've prayed for every night for God to give her and her husband a baby. She has been through a lot and has tried so hard for this. She is one of 2 friends that I have that really understands what I am going through. This is because we have all been through the same things, same tests, same disappointments. I am so happy for her because this is an answered prayer. I just wish it was the other prayer that I pray for every night. This friend has said all year long "This is our year girl! It's our time!" God is faithful and I have to keep praying expecting Him to answer it.

On another note, I get so sick of these people moaning and groaning and complaining about being pregnant or being a mom. I only wish they knew how hard some people try and fail at becoming pregnant. It's like they don't appreciate what they have. It was so easy for them so they have a right to complain. I just want to tell those people " Shut Up!". It's not easy for everyone. It seems to be easier for horny teenagers and foreigners, at least that's the way it seems at the clinic. Surprises, accidents, mistakes, planned whatever, they are all blessings from God. God doesn't make mistakes. He has a plan and purpose for everyone. I just have to relentlessly believe that my desire to be a mother was put there by God and he will fulfill this desire on His time. Isn't that just the most frustrating thing ever? Well despite my frustration, I have been able to find peace and that can only come from the Lord. I guess I can't say my prayers haven't been answered because they SO have in so many ways.

Lake House

Ben and I are the unofficial owners of a lake house on Center Hill lake. We haven't closed on the house yet but we do have a contract, so it's a pretty done deal. We are so excited! Ben has been searching for a lake house for years and here we are. This is going to be a great summer. I am hoping since we have spent all of our money that we will now get pregnant. One of my coworkers gave me that advice. we shall see. Either way we are super pumped and really looking forward to spending time there and just enjoying being with each other.

Izzy Buttons

We got a new puppy! Her name is Izzy Buttons. She is a Frenchy (french bulldog). She is so stinking cute. I fell in love with her when I first saw her and she had that sweet puppy sigh when I held her so I knew she fell in love with me too. We have had her for a week. We took her to the vet this weekend to get her shots. She weighs almost 5.5 pounds. She is full of energy and loves to snuggle. I think I have kindof put some of my baby fever on her and I totally treat her like a human child. I guess that's ok for now. She made it a little easier for me to get my period this month. After 6 weeks of acupuncture and hormones, still not pregnant. "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalms is a wonderful place to find a peaceful message. Although I am disappointed, I can only praise Jesus' name for peace that passes all understanding.

14.6

That was my progesterone level on Monday. The nurse said it should be above 15 so the Dr. increased my medicine. I asked for a less expensive hormone replacement as $82 for a 1 month supply is a little steep. She ordered Prometrium which is a pill but I still have to take it vaginally. When I picked up the Rx from the pharmacy, the pharmacists asked me to speak privately with her. She asked me if I knew how to take this medicine. I told her I understood that I was supposed to take it vaginally. She looked at me, looked at the pill bottle, and did one of those shivers, like when something grosses you out. It made me feel special :) Anyway, I have to take these new pills 3 times a day. We will see how this goes. I go for more blood work on 3/15. Until then, I will keep praying and asking for what my heart desires.

Hormones

It's been one week since I started taking progesterone. My newest fertility doctor prescribed progesterone suppositories for me to start mid cycle. I started taking my basal body temperature during this cycle as well. I don't feel any different which is good because my friend at work takes progesterone and says it makes her feel " high as a kite". The only draw back to these suppositories is the fact that they are vaginal and what goes up must come down. Can anyone say pantyliner? Kind of annoying but it will be worth it if it helps us get pregnant. I went for my blood work today to make sure I am on the right dose of hormones. So hormones in conjunction with acupuncture and chiropractic care should do the trick. One can only pray!

My brother Joey

My brother Joey called me the other night to ask me to look at a picture message and tell him if what I saw was normal. Knowing the kind of things he usually asks about, I asked what body part I would be viewing. The comedian that he is tells me "It's a penis!" Luckily it was his nose and not any private parts. He said he has a hole in his nose that has been there for as long as he can remember. Seeing the picture, I realized he was telling the truth. When I saw him last night, I looked closely at his nose. What I saw was totally gross and not normal. He basically does not have a septum between his nostrils and you can see all the way up his nose. So weird! See for yourself.