I gotta new attitude

So, I created this blog so that one day when Ben and I do finally have our baby, we can look back at what all we went through to have the family we prayed for. I have been really down lately because the acupuncture didn't work. I really wanted to just throw in the towel. It seems like everyone around me is getting pregnant. It's just so easy for some people! One of my friends at church said she appreciates her pregnancy more because she knows how hard we have tried to have a baby. Finally! Some one understands. She said it best, she has NOTHING to complain about. That is my biggest pet peeve is that pregnant women constantly complain about being pregnant. I'm like, hello, can you just enjoy your blessing and shut the hell up? Anyway, I digress.
My new attitude is not really new just re-newed. I kind of go through cycles with my emotions just like anybody else I guess. I am fine with our situation about 90% of the time. That 10% hits and it's like deep depression for me. I just crawled out of my valley so to speak in the last week. I keep telling myself we have a lot going on right now and there's a reason we're not pregnant right now. I try to pray every time I feel upset or angry. I know what set me off this last time was the unsuccessful acupuncture treatments. We spent the rest of our savings for these treatments thinking they would help but just like everything else, it didn't help.
This whole process has been the worst thing I have ever been through and it has been the worst thing Ben and I have been through together. The whole thing is so frustrating and maddening. No one can even try to understand unless they have been through it. So in case you're keeping notes, don't ever tell me you understand when you are pregnant or have biological children because you just don't! Snap! I really want to stay positive and just ride it out. Most days I find peace and rest in the arms of Jesus but we are sinners and the devil likes to get his dig in every now and then. The worst thing I can do for myself is have a pity party so I try really hard to avoid that at all costs. New shoes usually help!
My plan right now is to focus on school. I have 2 more years of school to complete my masters degree. Ben and I also want to enjoy our lake house. We plan on spending lots of time at the lake house this summer and enjoying God's creation and each other. We are both really looking forward to this summer which is good for both of us because it helps to forget the disappointments. Lastly I have a new puppy, Izzy. Bless her heart she has had to carry the brunt of my baby fever. Luckily she loves to be spoiled so it works out. She is giving me lots of love and devotion and I am so happy to have her right now. I hope that doesn't sound weird but then again I don't care. So in the words of my pregnant friend, I have nothing to complain about, absolutely nothing.

I'm so frustrated!

10 weeks. I was told 10 weeks of acupuncture would do the trick. Well 10 weeks later, I'm still not pregnant. Why is it that everyone knows somebody that has done something that got them pregnant? Why is it that I listen to any of these people? Am I really that desperate? Ben and I want a baby so bad but to what expense? Our savings is gone, emotionally we are drained, physically burning the candle at both ends, our faith- still holding out, for Ben at least. I have tried so hard to handle myself with grace and not be a hot mess all the time and hopefully I have have but this is me being a hot mess, OK!? I don't know how much more I can take. I don't want anymore fertility treatments, tried that 5 times and $5000+ later, still not pregnant. Tried not thinking about it and taking break, free but not pregnant. tried going back to school and teaching aerobics to "get my mind focused on other things" several thousand dollars in tuition, stressed out, in good shape, but still not pregnant (this I don't regret). Now acupuncture and chiropractic care, 3 months of back cracks, needles, and cups and to my knowledge still not pregnant. I need to refocus again. I need to relax (easier said than done). I plan on continuing school and teaching group fitness because those are actually helping me. But what's in store for us in the future? Only God knows. I really wish he would let me in on a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. My mom always says, " you won't know on this side of heaven why you are going through this right now but it will be worth it". Mom's are almost always right but like I told her " it's hard to see the forest for the trees". It's hard to see all the blessings we do have because we don't have the one we pray for everyday. In the meantime, I have Izzy, who, by the way, is the most rotten, spoiled brat ever. So here's to pressing on even when giving up sounds like the best mental health option. After years of counseling, I've learned how to counsel myself out of a nervous breakdown so for now, I'm still sane. Till next time...

Bittersweet

I just found out that a friend of mine is pregnant. This is someone whom I've prayed for every night for God to give her and her husband a baby. She has been through a lot and has tried so hard for this. She is one of 2 friends that I have that really understands what I am going through. This is because we have all been through the same things, same tests, same disappointments. I am so happy for her because this is an answered prayer. I just wish it was the other prayer that I pray for every night. This friend has said all year long "This is our year girl! It's our time!" God is faithful and I have to keep praying expecting Him to answer it.

On another note, I get so sick of these people moaning and groaning and complaining about being pregnant or being a mom. I only wish they knew how hard some people try and fail at becoming pregnant. It's like they don't appreciate what they have. It was so easy for them so they have a right to complain. I just want to tell those people " Shut Up!". It's not easy for everyone. It seems to be easier for horny teenagers and foreigners, at least that's the way it seems at the clinic. Surprises, accidents, mistakes, planned whatever, they are all blessings from God. God doesn't make mistakes. He has a plan and purpose for everyone. I just have to relentlessly believe that my desire to be a mother was put there by God and he will fulfill this desire on His time. Isn't that just the most frustrating thing ever? Well despite my frustration, I have been able to find peace and that can only come from the Lord. I guess I can't say my prayers haven't been answered because they SO have in so many ways.