Summer is here!

It's been exactly one month since I last blogged. Tomorrow will be the 1 year anniversary since Michael Jackson died and Sunday will be the one year anniversary of my father in law's death. What a great month!
It has been a whirlwind of a year. Ben and I have been trying to sell our house since last August. I had appendicitis last September. I chose a horrible fertility doctor and suffered a lacerated cervix in January. I did 10 weeks of acupuncture and no dairy only to NOT get pregnant and have $800 less dollars in savings. The house that Don built was vandalized 3 times and my purse was stolen. What a year!
On the other hand, we bought a lake house that we love and we got little Izzy-boo. Ben always tells me to look at all the blessings instead of all the bad things. Well, you can see that the bad list does out weigh the good list this time. We have our health and we are happy; something most people can't say.
Last October when we turned 30 I was determined to turn over a new leaf and begin again and have a better year. Things don't always turn out the way you want them to. Ben misses his dad everyday. As father's day came and went, you can see the hurt on his face. We have officially celebrated all major and minor holidays and all birthdays without him. Ben always says, " Dad would have loved this lake house. He would've been so proud of us." He's right, Don would've have been all about the lake house. He would've put his two cents in when we didn't want to hear it but he would've loved it.
Well, as Jay Z says, " On to the next one..."

Pepaw

May 19 2010 changed our family forever. Pepaw passed away right before our eyes. I was sitting by his side, family all around and he slowly slipped away. It was expected by unexpected. He was 82.

When my grandmother passed away in 2001, I ended up in a fight with my cousin over something so silly and that fight lasted for years and grew in numbers of family members that disliked me. All this over one comment, said as a joke, and meant nothing. Some people are so touchy ( said like Rizzo from Grease). So as you can imagine, I had a pep talk with myself before walking into the funeral home last week. I told myself, keep your mouth shut Tatum, Don't say anything, Don't rock the boat. (My cousin and I have been getting along lately and I didn't want to piss her off again, Lord help us all) Anyway, everything went smooth, nothing negative. What did happen was amazing though. Honestly, I am always surprised by God. It's not that I don't think He can do things, it's just that they always catch me by surprise. First, I felt privileged and honored to be by my Pepaw's side when he left this world to join Jesus and Memaw in Heaven. Next my cousin asked me about church. I invited them and he and his wife came and loved our church! Sometimes I feel like I'm not a good witness but it's not about me, it's about the love of Jesus Christ that shines through me.

My Pepaw's service was so sweet. It's funny, I always knew he was a fireman and I was always proud of that but I never knew him as Captain Hudgens, only as Pepaw. I loved hearing the stories of him at the firehall and how he won baking contests at church, and seeing all the little old ladies who doted over him all these years he's been a widower. I stayed at my grandparents house every other weekend until I was a teenager. I wouldn't trade that time for anything in the world. Pepaw used to tease me at every meal. He'd say, does that plate have your name on it? And I'd say, sure does, it says T.H. which was both of our initials. He got the biggest kick out of that. Pepaw laughed all the time and my mom always tells me that where I get it from. You never left his house hungry and he was always there when you needed him. He was the cornerstone of the family and fine Christian man. He taught us unconditional love and generosity. Even though it sounds cliche, he will live on forever in our hearts as we remember all the love he showed us and the lessons he taught us.

(The picture is from our 30th birthday skate party. Pepaw thought he wasn't invited because he was too old. I told him it was because he didn't have an email address. I'm so glad he came, he had the best time that night.)

I gotta new attitude

So, I created this blog so that one day when Ben and I do finally have our baby, we can look back at what all we went through to have the family we prayed for. I have been really down lately because the acupuncture didn't work. I really wanted to just throw in the towel. It seems like everyone around me is getting pregnant. It's just so easy for some people! One of my friends at church said she appreciates her pregnancy more because she knows how hard we have tried to have a baby. Finally! Some one understands. She said it best, she has NOTHING to complain about. That is my biggest pet peeve is that pregnant women constantly complain about being pregnant. I'm like, hello, can you just enjoy your blessing and shut the hell up? Anyway, I digress.
My new attitude is not really new just re-newed. I kind of go through cycles with my emotions just like anybody else I guess. I am fine with our situation about 90% of the time. That 10% hits and it's like deep depression for me. I just crawled out of my valley so to speak in the last week. I keep telling myself we have a lot going on right now and there's a reason we're not pregnant right now. I try to pray every time I feel upset or angry. I know what set me off this last time was the unsuccessful acupuncture treatments. We spent the rest of our savings for these treatments thinking they would help but just like everything else, it didn't help.
This whole process has been the worst thing I have ever been through and it has been the worst thing Ben and I have been through together. The whole thing is so frustrating and maddening. No one can even try to understand unless they have been through it. So in case you're keeping notes, don't ever tell me you understand when you are pregnant or have biological children because you just don't! Snap! I really want to stay positive and just ride it out. Most days I find peace and rest in the arms of Jesus but we are sinners and the devil likes to get his dig in every now and then. The worst thing I can do for myself is have a pity party so I try really hard to avoid that at all costs. New shoes usually help!
My plan right now is to focus on school. I have 2 more years of school to complete my masters degree. Ben and I also want to enjoy our lake house. We plan on spending lots of time at the lake house this summer and enjoying God's creation and each other. We are both really looking forward to this summer which is good for both of us because it helps to forget the disappointments. Lastly I have a new puppy, Izzy. Bless her heart she has had to carry the brunt of my baby fever. Luckily she loves to be spoiled so it works out. She is giving me lots of love and devotion and I am so happy to have her right now. I hope that doesn't sound weird but then again I don't care. So in the words of my pregnant friend, I have nothing to complain about, absolutely nothing.

I'm so frustrated!

10 weeks. I was told 10 weeks of acupuncture would do the trick. Well 10 weeks later, I'm still not pregnant. Why is it that everyone knows somebody that has done something that got them pregnant? Why is it that I listen to any of these people? Am I really that desperate? Ben and I want a baby so bad but to what expense? Our savings is gone, emotionally we are drained, physically burning the candle at both ends, our faith- still holding out, for Ben at least. I have tried so hard to handle myself with grace and not be a hot mess all the time and hopefully I have have but this is me being a hot mess, OK!? I don't know how much more I can take. I don't want anymore fertility treatments, tried that 5 times and $5000+ later, still not pregnant. Tried not thinking about it and taking break, free but not pregnant. tried going back to school and teaching aerobics to "get my mind focused on other things" several thousand dollars in tuition, stressed out, in good shape, but still not pregnant (this I don't regret). Now acupuncture and chiropractic care, 3 months of back cracks, needles, and cups and to my knowledge still not pregnant. I need to refocus again. I need to relax (easier said than done). I plan on continuing school and teaching group fitness because those are actually helping me. But what's in store for us in the future? Only God knows. I really wish he would let me in on a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. My mom always says, " you won't know on this side of heaven why you are going through this right now but it will be worth it". Mom's are almost always right but like I told her " it's hard to see the forest for the trees". It's hard to see all the blessings we do have because we don't have the one we pray for everyday. In the meantime, I have Izzy, who, by the way, is the most rotten, spoiled brat ever. So here's to pressing on even when giving up sounds like the best mental health option. After years of counseling, I've learned how to counsel myself out of a nervous breakdown so for now, I'm still sane. Till next time...

Bittersweet

I just found out that a friend of mine is pregnant. This is someone whom I've prayed for every night for God to give her and her husband a baby. She has been through a lot and has tried so hard for this. She is one of 2 friends that I have that really understands what I am going through. This is because we have all been through the same things, same tests, same disappointments. I am so happy for her because this is an answered prayer. I just wish it was the other prayer that I pray for every night. This friend has said all year long "This is our year girl! It's our time!" God is faithful and I have to keep praying expecting Him to answer it.

On another note, I get so sick of these people moaning and groaning and complaining about being pregnant or being a mom. I only wish they knew how hard some people try and fail at becoming pregnant. It's like they don't appreciate what they have. It was so easy for them so they have a right to complain. I just want to tell those people " Shut Up!". It's not easy for everyone. It seems to be easier for horny teenagers and foreigners, at least that's the way it seems at the clinic. Surprises, accidents, mistakes, planned whatever, they are all blessings from God. God doesn't make mistakes. He has a plan and purpose for everyone. I just have to relentlessly believe that my desire to be a mother was put there by God and he will fulfill this desire on His time. Isn't that just the most frustrating thing ever? Well despite my frustration, I have been able to find peace and that can only come from the Lord. I guess I can't say my prayers haven't been answered because they SO have in so many ways.

Lake House

Ben and I are the unofficial owners of a lake house on Center Hill lake. We haven't closed on the house yet but we do have a contract, so it's a pretty done deal. We are so excited! Ben has been searching for a lake house for years and here we are. This is going to be a great summer. I am hoping since we have spent all of our money that we will now get pregnant. One of my coworkers gave me that advice. we shall see. Either way we are super pumped and really looking forward to spending time there and just enjoying being with each other.

Izzy Buttons

We got a new puppy! Her name is Izzy Buttons. She is a Frenchy (french bulldog). She is so stinking cute. I fell in love with her when I first saw her and she had that sweet puppy sigh when I held her so I knew she fell in love with me too. We have had her for a week. We took her to the vet this weekend to get her shots. She weighs almost 5.5 pounds. She is full of energy and loves to snuggle. I think I have kindof put some of my baby fever on her and I totally treat her like a human child. I guess that's ok for now. She made it a little easier for me to get my period this month. After 6 weeks of acupuncture and hormones, still not pregnant. "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalms is a wonderful place to find a peaceful message. Although I am disappointed, I can only praise Jesus' name for peace that passes all understanding.